i was about to sleep… and i just thought of all the events that happened today. One thought led to the next.. and here I am blogging without my contacts. My face is 2 inches away from the keyboard, and half an inch away from the screen… I just wanted to write down what I feel before they go away. hahah yea pretty emo.. but This is gonna be one of those really long posts I rarely do.

Well I went to Antioch Church today with Mimi, Hannah, Chris, and Ann. It was different… It sure wasn’t New Song. It wasn’t my first time going there on a Sunday… but it was still very much awkward. I met all these people and seconds after they introduced themselves to me, I forgot their names. I know one dood had a name that started with the letter J… anyways… Everything about Antioch was so… alive. The worship, the sermon, the people… It was almost overbearing coming from such a… not so alive place. People were smiling, laughing, dancing… it was just so real… Something inside me felt so comfortable… and familiar with this. It reminded me of how New Song use to be… and my heart ached. 

Watching people worship. It’s like they were in their own world with God. It made remember how intimate worship was… I started to miss how I would lose myself in worship… Now it’s so hard to even stand. When did I turn so shameful?

Everything about my experience at Antioch reminded me so much of the old days at New Song. It was how everyone just wanted to love… How everyone was desperate… How everyone was happy. So much time has passed… It’s been 2 years since Pastor Young left… and I’m still crying… and wishing he never left… 

Without PY or Hannah smn… going to church was like going to an empty house… I thought time would heal… but these past two years have been hell… and I still can’t get over the fact that they’re actually gone. 

New Song as a church has changed… I don’t get the same feeling I did before when I walk through that building. It’s like just walking though a hall of memories. I remember the purple and blue walls in that sanctuary. So much has happened in that room alone. My favorite times were going to early morning prayer, and staying at church the entire saturday just to chill. Those days slowly turned into Supernatural… experiencing new things… growing with the ones I love. I experienced the holy spirit for the first time in that room… I remember being so engaged in everything. I would sit on the floors to sit closer to PY as he spoke. I would lay down on the chairs or floors during worship just to fall into my own world with God. I miss those times when PY would pray for every single person. I miss how he would take time to listen… 

I miss hanging out in the office. I loved coming in the office every saturday and sunday to find my wonderful new song family. I miss rolling around the office in the chairs.. idk just simple things…Now, if I even get a chance to walk into the office.. I see grey cubicles covering the entire room.  

I miss the black couches… I couldn’t even begin thinking of all the memories on those couches… good memories and bad memories. I remember that was the last place I talked to Hannah smn alone before she left. I miss how she would just hold my hands and talk to me in the sweetest softest tone. I miss my mommy… 

Now I fully realize that church isn’t a building… Church is a body of Christ… moving and growing together. Now… I’m just confused. I’m confused on where I am, where I’m going, and how long it’ll be before I lose everything. 

When I think about church, I think of the past… The nervous beginning, the beautiful story, and the bittersweet ending. I’ve already started a new book but it feels as if I’m just stand on the battle field with a broken sword. I’m terrified of what’s about to come but, I guess the bigger the conflict, the better the ending.  

sigh…

I just don’t want to think about the past and cry… I want to smile… These memories are so precious to me… but I cry because they’ll be nothing more than just memories.